Alone... I feel dumb... stressors....

Well lets see... This week I've successfully made crappy for myself. It seems all I can do lately is F up really bad. I mean like every time I try to do something correct it just ends up being one big piece of crap... .. I put my cloths away I don't put em all away because I didn't think it was a big deal. Turns out I just fudged up about that and Dad gets on my case about it. Then I try to do home work and just wanna relax... nope I just fudged up there I should have also done my chores...I don't know what it is really maybe I'm just lazy but ... I just don't think all the way through about what I'm doing. I guess I just need to think things through all the way...

Along with fukin up lately I also don't feel like I'm really accomplishing anything in school.. I'm doing my work and stuff and getting stuff done... It just doesn't feel like it's going to do anything to special for me. Sure a good grade but I don't feel the accomplishment feeling from it at all. I just wish I would get that feeling... but I truly haven't had that feeling for a while... It's like there isn't any point in doing it. If not only for good grades any way... which is why I will still do it but I just wish I felt successfull. Maybe it's a flaw with me somewhere like I don't think anything I do will ever be good enough. God what a bad complex... I don't know how to get rid of it..

I would also like to talk about that I feel alone. Especially since watching Bryce and Mari and listening to them. I wish I had someone like they do, somebody who wants to know me from the inside out. However at the same time I feel kinda dumb cause I have never wanted a high school relationship. It's just I don't really see the point in it when I know I'm going to be leaving for college. I know I wanted someone before but that was just for sexual reason really. Now it's different, I want someone who wants me. It makes me think I'm retarted though cause I've always been against freakin relationships and now all the sudden I want one.

O and on top of that I have takin on a lot of responsibilities within just hte last week. I have to go to choir practice Wednesday nights for church and now I have to find time to fit John in somewhere. I also have to go take care of B's house while he's gone. Not only those things but now the play is starting and I think I'm about to get really stressed out and just kinda die. It's a lot to take on and I'm not really sure I can do it all..... I guess all I can do is try it and attempt to take on all these stressors.

I have a lot of feeling floating around right now and it's making me a grumpy ass. I really haven't been who I usually am lately because of this. I just have this cloud of things around me that is making me claustrophobic in my own body. I miss the days when I could just be lazy and not worry about a thing in the world... I'm glad I embraced those things when I was little. I have to face the fact that I'm getting older and I will have to be able to take care of myself. I don't want to ... it seems to crazy... but I guess I'm going to have to no matter what.

Meh... W/E... what a crappy feeling I have right now.

About people reading my blog.... Also why am I so busy all the sudden?

If you are going to read my blog (Which btw is how I think) ... Then please keep an open mind and do remember like most people who live on this planet... I am human and I do cuss. I'm no different than that of you guys and I know everyone who will ever read this has and will bring out the words damn or shit and whatnot every once in a while. Don't judge me by a couple cuss words... Instead please take the time to actually READ my blog and find out how I think.

Anyway.... I have taken notice that I have been extremely busy all the sudden. I seem to care about school for some reason and also care about my mental health. I haven't been couped up in the house nearly as much as I was last year. I enjoy getting out and being away from the mamoth (my computer).

I went to voice lessons today and talked to Ivanna for a while. I talked to her about my blog and if I should be truthful on it... (because people don't seem to like it) . She said yes I should, but I shouldn't dwell on dissing them to much. You know just a mention here or there. After voice lessons I talked to Hailey for a while about random shit because that's what I usually do when I end up talking to her. I called Bryce and Mari decided to pick up (I don't know if I mentioned it but Mari is Bryce's GF). She was lyke " Lulz we are cyberings" and I was lyke "wrrrrrrrrprghghr?"....

Ya so after that I went to B's because I'm house sitting for him this weekend and next. He showed me what to do and what not. I'm not really psyched to be doing it.. but meh... I don't mind. So I get home and talk to Bryce and Mari some more... I'm so happy for them ( at the same time though I'm not gonna lie.. I wish I had someone T_T). I'm really happy for Bryce though... he's needed someone I think anyway for a while.

After talking to them and what not I get bitched at by daddy-o... Well not Exactly Bitched persay... but maybe a little bit of concern talk mixed with feelings of worry and frustration.. He needs to learn how to separate what he is going to talk about .... He just kinda lets it all come out at once and you know... Spring onto your ears until you bleed out of em.

So Dad talked to me about my blog. He said Red ( I know you are reading this >:)~ ) said I had said damn on it... Woopty do I said Damn. Now that wasn't his problem. His problem was that what if I grow older and someone comes and reads my blog then uses it against me? Well I told him that it just shows I have nothing to hide. He didn't really have a counter argument for that so he just did what he always does. He just made sure I understood the point. Then I got a concern talk ( I like that better than yelling cause he wasn't yelling ... it was more of a strong tone) about my glasses. My warranty will run out tomorrow and I need to go get them replaced.. No problem there I just have to go after church. Then we had a discussion about my MD (Muscular Dystrophy.) and how I need to make an appointment with the MDA clinic to prove I have it. Then we need to finish up the SS work and stuff. It wasn't a bad discussion... just felt as if I wasn't able to keep up with the conversation at all cause I'm bad about details... and that's what he's good at. So he had me by the balls and all points in time during our conversation. Meh W/E I understood it all... I know I need to get ready for RL but I don't wanna... I guess I don't have a choice though so...

I just kinda after that posted this and ran around on facebook and talked to Richard and Seth and Wess. Nothing much left to say other than I can't wait to hang out with Bryce tomorrow... He's such and awesome friend. I just hope I don't ruin this friendship like I do most of my others (I.E. Mike)


NIGHT :D

Hurricane Blues

So we had a hurricane here in Indiana... IN INDIANA!@!@!@!!!?!??!?!? So ya it blew away my power and telephone. No internet until today sooo ya... We threw away all of our food and our cow we had just bought. I haven't posted because of this and didn't feel the need to until now. Dad had left for a business trip and came back quickly after we figured out that our power was not going to come back on.

The side of the barn blew away and I had to fix that. It only took eight hours. I decided to hang out with Bryce and Mari afterwords (Mari is Bryce's GF She's awesome~!) the next day. WE had a good ol time and talk to H.B. Paul (Guy we met by Ear-X-Tacy) He seemed like an awesome person to me. In Ear-X-Tacy we looked at records and I wanted a butt load of em... Just don't have a record player XD. I also don't have the money O_o Records are expensive. We ate a butt load at a whole bunch of fast food resturants. I'm so sick of fast food I think I'm just gonna cook for the rest of my life.

On Thursday I drank water I wasn't supposed to on accident. It was poisoned and it made me really sick. I went to the E.R. although I didn't want to. I felt stupid sitting in there but meh W/E. Liza and dad just wanted to make sure I didn't have some kind of weird virus. My stomach still kinda hurts but I think I'm ok. I had some awesome drugs while I was there and it made me really dizzy and have a cold sweat. The room began to and I couldn't see straight. Dad kept getting closer to the bed but it could of been the drugs XD.

Today we had school and I was well enough to go. I only had choir and English but I only made it to English. I went to Prosser and played Halo. Dad and I went to Bean street cafe forever after that and then we went shopping. Liza calledand after 5 days with no power we finally had it.

I now gtg clean the house so G' Night ^,^

Just want it to be the weekend

God it's taking forever to get to the weekend. I got in trouble on Tuesday for sneeking around with Bryce and having fun. I'm not allowed to have fun it's against my parents rules. So I'm grounded for three weeks but I'm planning on getting out of it. I mean I didn't think about what I was doing but come on.

Well soon it will be Friday and I will be free from school once again. I'm already sick of school XD. It think it's because it's so damn repetitive. Recently I haven't been doing anything but studying and doing homework... I have 3 A's and a B so I guess it's paying off >.>. I'm worried about Bryce he's been acting weirder than usual.... I don't know why though I usually don't worry about him. Well he can take care of himself he's 18....

I'm so tired right now I can hardly stay awake writing in my blog. O I got Kana her B-day present and she loved it. I knew she would like it I just didn't know it would mean so much to her. I am currently writing a story for English which isn't even halfway finished... I think i'm just gonna give it as is. I mean it has all the requirements and what not so.....

Well i'm sorry this is so short I know you guys are used to reading my WOT... but o well :3 Maybe I'll make up for it by posting some pic's later >>

NIGHT ALL :D

I liked today :) except for the ending

Basically I did what was good for me today. I didn't worry about anyone else. I think that I did something I should have done a long time ago. I feel that my punishment for it is BS. I also feel that I should be allowed to do what ever I feel is right for me. I feel as if Liza holds me back and will not let me make mistakes. I also feel that this day was awesome....

Short and sweet post...

Why I haven't posted? And why I hate older people -_-

Well I haven't posted in a while do to the fact that anytime I do have free time to post I am doing something else for someone else. For example Cleaning the house or doing my homeworx or studying. In this case it has been studying mostly. I got my Comic book Tattoo and let me tell you it's Ginormous. I got it for someone else for their b-day and I'm gonna hate to see it go. The artwork in it is so awesome!

The last three days of school have been interesting. I have learned that JM running mate is well... a bitch. She voted for the wolfs to be hunted which is the first reason I don't like her. Another is she is pro-life which I am not. People are still gonna get abortions whether or not we outlaw it. At least right now they can do it safely. Besides women had to work to get those rights and she just wants them to be taken away.

I also found out the Mike (what an ass he has been btw) Decided to sell my 360 controller and still owes me around o about 300 dollars on top of that. So I have now decided WAR of some sort. Don't know what yet but he should be expecting things to change very soon. I've not been so pissed at anyone to this degree. So ya he's been a duche a lot lately.

Liza started yelling at me because my computer was not satisfactory to her demands. So she basically said (or rather I took it as) that it was my fault she doesn't know how to work a compu. It was very annoying. Then she said the most ignorant thing I have ever heard. She said that Firefox was not as good as IE. Also that IE was what "Professionals" use such as collages and university's. Then she went on to say that it was a child's toy or something to that degree. I didn't even really listen to her because she was being a nasty bitch. I was nice enough to attempt to fix her computer then she turns around and bitches at me for mine being different. I'm sorry Liza but I actually have my computer set up the way I like it. I should have been like GTFO my lappy then if you don't appreciate what i'm doing.

This is why I don't usually like older people. When something goes wrong they don't like they yell at people who are younger than them. They claim it to be our fault that they are ignorant and that they can't understand anything new. Never ever will I end up that way. I will always be up on technology and know how to do anything and everything.

I hung out with Tommy today. It was actually fun and I enjoyed myself. I also didn't feel I had to be something I wasn't so it just seemed more natural to be myself. We tried out for the Peter Pan play today for the role of a pirate. When it was our turn to try out (with my luck I knew something bad was bound to happen) I had to go first... I thought to myself " GOD DANG IT WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIRST" I always suck at anything I do if I have to go first. So of course I did suck and I forgot a lyric or two. I felt like an idiot and it really pissed me off. I hope I get in because the guy after me didn't do so well so that made me more optimistic as to getting a pirate role. Tommy did an awesome job and I sat there still terrified at how bad I did. I always do bad when I'm in the Lime light. I can't stand the pressure of so many people staring at me at once. I have problems with picking up on others negative thoughts or reactions very easily. Almost as if I am in everyone at the same time and can just tell what the whole room is thinking. Ms. Hampton thought I did just fine. I could tell by the soft look of her eye. Mr. Bundy was a little questionable but thought I did better than most, just not the best. The class thought mostly what Mr. Bundy did so I guess it's not that bad. At least I wasn't the worst out of everyone. Besides I'm just doing the play for fun so meh. The only thing I fear is that Tommy will get in and I won't because that would just be fudged up. I wouldn't get to have any fun or be hanging out with Tommy.

Tommy and I headed for T-Bizzle( Taco Bell) for lunch. I paid for him and we hung out for a little while at his house. I met his step dad who seemed kind of well extremely stressed. We couldn't stay in the house so me and him went to the park to wait for his mom to get there. At the park Tommy showed me the usual hang out spots of the kids that live there. It was sorta messy but it wasn't a total mess. I wanted to clean it just a little but I had nothing to clean it with so I kinda just let it go. He gave me some of his CD's and told me to keep em. When we got back to his house we saw his step dad's car was still there but not his moms. So we drove around until she came back. His mom is most likely the most awesome woman I have ever met. She does I.T. in Louisville and knows C++. She makes her own programs and does a little bit of everything. She does multimedia for her company and makes programs for them. I had no idea how cool his mom was, I guess it embarrasses him?? Although didn't really get the vibe.. It was more like he never thought to mention it thing.

Me and him are supposed to hang out this Friday. I just hope Liza remembers and let's us go to the mall. I want to go see Lucky Pineapple at Headliners but I don't know if we will be able to make it. If we could meet up with Bryce at his house and have him take us then I think that would be a better idea. I suck at driving around Louisville and don't feel like killing myself or Tommy. So we will just have to see what ends up happening.

Well I can't really think of anything else other than Mr. Townsends test was very weird. It had several questions that didn't seem like something he would ask on his test. He infact has never had that kind of test format. I didn't enjoy it and it was extremely hard. I just hope I at least got a C -_-. I even studied for like an hour and that didn't seem like enough because I study for the way he usually gives tests. Which are never that hard or anyoing to do.

Anyway I guess I'll post Tomorrow PEACE!

What's done today: Being an outsider

Well this morning I was awoken by Stenson calling me. She insisted I get up at 7:30! This was really annoying so I gave her the business. I went back to sleep and finally got up around 11:30. Dad and Liza were both gone so I just hopped on the compu. Liza came home a little while after I had woken up. Not that long after Jared and Daddy-o came home also. They worked really hard on the chicken house and I relaxed seeing as I was frazzled from the week and was not looking forward to my homework.

Today was B's birthday (B is Brian who is Lizas' gay friend.) We talked a while and he got his birthday stuff. While they were swimming outside I was on the computer just looking around on facebook and whatnot. I asked Taylor (old, old, old friend whom I don't speak to at all anymore) if I could be his friend on facebook. Well you see what happened was (and this happened with a lot of my old friends.) we grew apart and found different interests. My interests where soly on computers and his (along with many of my other friends such as Elain, Ethan, Kayla, Derek, Jefferey and an assortment of old friends)where in theater. I loved theater just I couldn't see myself doing it as my voice was very under developed at the time and I am handicraped. Well anyway he accepted my invitation as a friend. I think it will come quite in handy when tryouts come about so I can get a good word in for me and Tommy. That and I wouldn't mind being their friends again.

WARNING THIS BELOW IS A RANT READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION
SKIP DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE "TODAY CONTINUED" IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ THE RANT

Well let me say more on the subject of old friends because I need to get it out. A long time ago before my mothers death, I'm pretty sure I would be a very Very different person right now had it not been for her death. I used to be cheery and fat, just like my personalitie. Now when I say fat I mean like O DAMN MOMMY CAN I RIDE THAT RIDE fat. I was about 180-185 around there. Now keep in mind I was around the age of 9-12 that I weighed this much. So I was short and extremly heavy. I was also very ignorant(not that I'm not now but comparison wise I was very ignorant) and always happy. One of those stupid little kids that like rainbows.. ya that was me. So I used to hangout with the popular people all the time. Well not long after my mothers death did my personality change dirasticaly.

Let's write about Ethan first shall we? He and I were best friends. We used to do everything together. Play, draw, talk, discuss... ya it was like we were two little gay boys... Not gonna hide how disgustingly happy I was. Mom's death taught me a lot in life. I found out way before most people in our school (excluding this one girl who's mother also died her name escapes me) that life is a bitch. After figuring this out at 12 I changed and with that change I became extremly anti social. No longer did I hang out with Ethan or talk to him, I infact ignored him and found him to be (I didn't know what to call it at the time) very ignorant. He didn't have one spec or idea of the pain I had dealt with.

Now let's move on to Elain because I am feeling really good with getting this out of my system. Elain and I also used to hang out a lot. However the deal was the same as Ethan except for one thing. She and her family where very christian. She had the balls to do a report on how being gay was wrong. O had I never been so pissed in my life. Keep in mind this is after my mom died so I had a different outlook on life than most. She said if everyone was gay then we would no longer have any children. I hadn't been so pissed in my life and it caught me by surprise because I usually didn't speak. I told her (out loud to the whole class) "that not everyone is gay are they?" "Why can't someone choose to be that way?" I had asked. Well us being in the sixth grade and her obviously not being the one who had studied up on this report had no answer. Now had it been last year or this year I would have definitely been an ass.

Those are the two main people I hung out with and they actually represent together how the rest of the group thought. I grew apart easily and never have really talked to them since. I ended hanging out with the "Outsiders". This is the group I am with currently. I like to think that this is the group of people that end up going to college and becoming something other than ignorant people who hate on others who are different from themselves....

Outsider.... that's what I've become and I enjoy it. I don't have to follow one person or do what one person does. I can just be myself and be comfortable with who I am. I don't have to conform and I can say when I don't like something. Had I kept my old friends I feel it would be different. I feel I would still be a fatty because I wouldn't have any incentive to change who I was. I think that my weight is just and external change of who I have become. Being ignorant makes me think of fat people and how they don't care about anything not even themselves. Just to the point where it ruins their lives and others around them. Being fat I hated it.... It makes me think of what I used to be... I used to conform them and I don't want to any more. I want to be able to make my own choices and lead myself, not to follow someone else to the ends of the earth.

My new friends those who you do now know have some similar interest but we all disagree on many things. This is what I like in a friendship... being able to be yourself but at the same time still enjoying being around each other. Not having to like the same things and just being able to be friends without having fights. Tommy, Nash, Bryce my closest friends are all extremely different. Sure sometimes it may get in the way with disagreements and such but I know we are a tight group of people. I dare anyone to try to make us stop being friends. You may piss one of us off however we are all still good friends in the end.

I know blogs are supposed to have what you did during the day and what not but mine is definitely helping me get rid of old feelings that I haven't been able to get rid of.

TODAY CONTINUED

We went to Misuky's after eating out with B at el napal. I studied and watched T.V. afterwords. I played with ?Mitsuay? for a while and then we went home. She's such a good kid. Then I started writing on this here blog and got rid of some old feelings.

Yep thats all that happened today... I'll post again tommorow.

Fun.. I think?

Well today Liza and Dad seemed to be alright... So I asked if they where getting along this morning... Both of them looked at me and I felt like a total idiot... Liza said that they had not talked about yesterday yet. So I just decided they both where bitchy yesterday. Like I said before I didn't go to Kana's B-day thing so I feel bad about that.

Misuky and her daughter were celebrating their bdays with us today. Her friends came with her and they all acted like they usually do.. Nuts. Now when I say nuts you gotta know I mean like seriously crazy. If you know Bryce then you should know what crazy is... Multiplie that by 4 women and you have the people I hung out with today. Seriously though they all act goofy as hell. ?Mitsuay? seemed to have had fun. I played balloon fight with her and don't let the balloon touch the ground. We also went swimming and ate a lot of Hispanic food.( seeing as most of everyone there is Hispanic they knew how to cook it).

Not so long after the party and what not I talked to Sissy. She seemed to be doing well. She had to go to the bank today to open her account. I bet it was a pain in the ass because she's in Japan and I wouldn't think for the people working there to speak English.

After getting bored of being alone I attempted to get Tommy to come over (the party girls had left already). He seemed as if he was gonna be able to but his parents wouldn't let him. He is apparently still sick (almost for 2 weeks now O-o) so that plan got thrown out the window. So he said instead we should play on Xbox live. I couldn't seeing as my account wasn't payed for, but Tommy being awesome as usual gave me a month subscription. Now how many friends would do that for you?

So I get on Xbox live and we have an awesome game of Tf2.(Team fortress two for you nubs out thar). He wanted to play Halo so I agreed. I wasn't really in the mood for Halo because my wireless connection gets the shit beat out of it when I play it. Tf2 it did an acceptable job with. However the minute we started playing Halo 3... My internet started dying. I'm so far away from the freakin router that my connection goes in and out when I'm on H3. So I was in game with Tommy and got booted out.. I tried to get back in but it wouldn't let me. So I played with some random people for a while and Tommy got off.. I hope I didn't piss him off....

After worrying and feeling guilty about Tommy, I got off Xblive. I went downstairs to see if he was on the internet still... Unfortunately he wasn't so I feel really bad about that... Although I'm pretty sure it's because his parents told him to go to bed so... Well I'm looking up stuff about Tori Amos on Wikipedia. I find that there is a comic book based on her songs. So I went to Amazon and found it and was so excited. I just bought it right there and then. While having my credit card out and handy I was wondering if I could find any Lucky Pineapple Stuff www.luckypineapple.com. I couldn't find any Mp3's on Amazon so that disappointed me. I next tried iTunes (wasn't expecting to find any there either but I thought it couldn't hurt). Nothing there either... So I did what anyone else would do! I googled them. And I found them quite easily. So I bought their CD on their website. It was only ten bucks so I was like "What the heck" and all that Jazz.

Anyway I hope I get my stuff soon hopefully by Wednessday... O and did I mention the drummer in the band was my English teachers takeover person... Ya I know awesome right? O and I forgot to mention this huge ass wolf spider popped up beside me and attempted to attack me while I was looking up Tori Amos stuff.. Ya that little or rather big bitch got flushed down the toilet... Bitches don't know bout my flushin skillz.

Nothing elese I can think of right now that was basically my day. Write more tomorrow :3. LEAVE COMMENTS PEOPLE!