Alone... I feel dumb... stressors....

Well lets see... This week I've successfully made crappy for myself. It seems all I can do lately is F up really bad. I mean like every time I try to do something correct it just ends up being one big piece of crap... .. I put my cloths away I don't put em all away because I didn't think it was a big deal. Turns out I just fudged up about that and Dad gets on my case about it. Then I try to do home work and just wanna relax... nope I just fudged up there I should have also done my chores...I don't know what it is really maybe I'm just lazy but ... I just don't think all the way through about what I'm doing. I guess I just need to think things through all the way...

Along with fukin up lately I also don't feel like I'm really accomplishing anything in school.. I'm doing my work and stuff and getting stuff done... It just doesn't feel like it's going to do anything to special for me. Sure a good grade but I don't feel the accomplishment feeling from it at all. I just wish I would get that feeling... but I truly haven't had that feeling for a while... It's like there isn't any point in doing it. If not only for good grades any way... which is why I will still do it but I just wish I felt successfull. Maybe it's a flaw with me somewhere like I don't think anything I do will ever be good enough. God what a bad complex... I don't know how to get rid of it..

I would also like to talk about that I feel alone. Especially since watching Bryce and Mari and listening to them. I wish I had someone like they do, somebody who wants to know me from the inside out. However at the same time I feel kinda dumb cause I have never wanted a high school relationship. It's just I don't really see the point in it when I know I'm going to be leaving for college. I know I wanted someone before but that was just for sexual reason really. Now it's different, I want someone who wants me. It makes me think I'm retarted though cause I've always been against freakin relationships and now all the sudden I want one.

O and on top of that I have takin on a lot of responsibilities within just hte last week. I have to go to choir practice Wednesday nights for church and now I have to find time to fit John in somewhere. I also have to go take care of B's house while he's gone. Not only those things but now the play is starting and I think I'm about to get really stressed out and just kinda die. It's a lot to take on and I'm not really sure I can do it all..... I guess all I can do is try it and attempt to take on all these stressors.

I have a lot of feeling floating around right now and it's making me a grumpy ass. I really haven't been who I usually am lately because of this. I just have this cloud of things around me that is making me claustrophobic in my own body. I miss the days when I could just be lazy and not worry about a thing in the world... I'm glad I embraced those things when I was little. I have to face the fact that I'm getting older and I will have to be able to take care of myself. I don't want to ... it seems to crazy... but I guess I'm going to have to no matter what.

Meh... W/E... what a crappy feeling I have right now.