What's done today: Being an outsider

Well this morning I was awoken by Stenson calling me. She insisted I get up at 7:30! This was really annoying so I gave her the business. I went back to sleep and finally got up around 11:30. Dad and Liza were both gone so I just hopped on the compu. Liza came home a little while after I had woken up. Not that long after Jared and Daddy-o came home also. They worked really hard on the chicken house and I relaxed seeing as I was frazzled from the week and was not looking forward to my homework.

Today was B's birthday (B is Brian who is Lizas' gay friend.) We talked a while and he got his birthday stuff. While they were swimming outside I was on the computer just looking around on facebook and whatnot. I asked Taylor (old, old, old friend whom I don't speak to at all anymore) if I could be his friend on facebook. Well you see what happened was (and this happened with a lot of my old friends.) we grew apart and found different interests. My interests where soly on computers and his (along with many of my other friends such as Elain, Ethan, Kayla, Derek, Jefferey and an assortment of old friends)where in theater. I loved theater just I couldn't see myself doing it as my voice was very under developed at the time and I am handicraped. Well anyway he accepted my invitation as a friend. I think it will come quite in handy when tryouts come about so I can get a good word in for me and Tommy. That and I wouldn't mind being their friends again.

WARNING THIS BELOW IS A RANT READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION
SKIP DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE "TODAY CONTINUED" IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ THE RANT

Well let me say more on the subject of old friends because I need to get it out. A long time ago before my mothers death, I'm pretty sure I would be a very Very different person right now had it not been for her death. I used to be cheery and fat, just like my personalitie. Now when I say fat I mean like O DAMN MOMMY CAN I RIDE THAT RIDE fat. I was about 180-185 around there. Now keep in mind I was around the age of 9-12 that I weighed this much. So I was short and extremly heavy. I was also very ignorant(not that I'm not now but comparison wise I was very ignorant) and always happy. One of those stupid little kids that like rainbows.. ya that was me. So I used to hangout with the popular people all the time. Well not long after my mothers death did my personality change dirasticaly.

Let's write about Ethan first shall we? He and I were best friends. We used to do everything together. Play, draw, talk, discuss... ya it was like we were two little gay boys... Not gonna hide how disgustingly happy I was. Mom's death taught me a lot in life. I found out way before most people in our school (excluding this one girl who's mother also died her name escapes me) that life is a bitch. After figuring this out at 12 I changed and with that change I became extremly anti social. No longer did I hang out with Ethan or talk to him, I infact ignored him and found him to be (I didn't know what to call it at the time) very ignorant. He didn't have one spec or idea of the pain I had dealt with.

Now let's move on to Elain because I am feeling really good with getting this out of my system. Elain and I also used to hang out a lot. However the deal was the same as Ethan except for one thing. She and her family where very christian. She had the balls to do a report on how being gay was wrong. O had I never been so pissed in my life. Keep in mind this is after my mom died so I had a different outlook on life than most. She said if everyone was gay then we would no longer have any children. I hadn't been so pissed in my life and it caught me by surprise because I usually didn't speak. I told her (out loud to the whole class) "that not everyone is gay are they?" "Why can't someone choose to be that way?" I had asked. Well us being in the sixth grade and her obviously not being the one who had studied up on this report had no answer. Now had it been last year or this year I would have definitely been an ass.

Those are the two main people I hung out with and they actually represent together how the rest of the group thought. I grew apart easily and never have really talked to them since. I ended hanging out with the "Outsiders". This is the group I am with currently. I like to think that this is the group of people that end up going to college and becoming something other than ignorant people who hate on others who are different from themselves....

Outsider.... that's what I've become and I enjoy it. I don't have to follow one person or do what one person does. I can just be myself and be comfortable with who I am. I don't have to conform and I can say when I don't like something. Had I kept my old friends I feel it would be different. I feel I would still be a fatty because I wouldn't have any incentive to change who I was. I think that my weight is just and external change of who I have become. Being ignorant makes me think of fat people and how they don't care about anything not even themselves. Just to the point where it ruins their lives and others around them. Being fat I hated it.... It makes me think of what I used to be... I used to conform them and I don't want to any more. I want to be able to make my own choices and lead myself, not to follow someone else to the ends of the earth.

My new friends those who you do now know have some similar interest but we all disagree on many things. This is what I like in a friendship... being able to be yourself but at the same time still enjoying being around each other. Not having to like the same things and just being able to be friends without having fights. Tommy, Nash, Bryce my closest friends are all extremely different. Sure sometimes it may get in the way with disagreements and such but I know we are a tight group of people. I dare anyone to try to make us stop being friends. You may piss one of us off however we are all still good friends in the end.

I know blogs are supposed to have what you did during the day and what not but mine is definitely helping me get rid of old feelings that I haven't been able to get rid of.

TODAY CONTINUED

We went to Misuky's after eating out with B at el napal. I studied and watched T.V. afterwords. I played with ?Mitsuay? for a while and then we went home. She's such a good kid. Then I started writing on this here blog and got rid of some old feelings.

Yep thats all that happened today... I'll post again tommorow.

Blog #1 School days=3 weeks

This is my third week into school. I have found that this school year seems to be the most exciting. I am planning on trying out for the Peter Pan play for the role of a Pirate. Mr. Bundy? Is planning to have at least 30 pirates so I'm pretty sure I'll get in. Tommy is also going to try to get in with me. I have found that I don't really trust myself lately and I am having problems with my inner thoughts. Nothing really makes that much sense any more except for school. So I find myself obsessing over school, not that it is a good thing.... Although I noticed it's getting me good grades so...

I went to a concert today, well a series of bands to be more exact. I really like the music they where playing and couldn't believe I was getting into it so much. I went with Nash and Tommy who are two of my closest friends that I have left. Seeing as I tend to drive my friends away because I don't wanna hurt them I'm just lucky that these two guys have been there. Nash has been there basically since we moved here to Indiana and has always been my friend. I don't think I have ever gotten into a serious fight or ever been truly pissed at Nash. I can say that I was falsely mad at him because I was trying to be something I wasn't.

Let me elaborate on the being something I am not. I used to be friends with this guy named Mike. He was a good friend for a while but he gets so enraptured in himself that he forgets about other people. I tried to fit in ( which I shouldn't have, I should have just been myself) with him. It took me 3 years to realize that this was a pointless friendship because I couldn't be myself around him. I recently broke off my friendship with him because of this and have moved on. When I was trying to fit in I would treat Nash wrongly.... I should have never done that and now I really REALLY regret it.

Anyway back on track.... I also went with Tommy who has been my other closest friend since seventh grade. We all went to this bands/concert thing at Faith Family in Jeff. I met all kinds of people and they each had their own type of personality. People there turned out to be a lot nicer than I had expected... I guess I'm just used to FC kids who are usually stuck up and preppy... These people where different and enjoyed being different. I hung out with this awesome girl for most of the night and attempted to flirt with her... although I am still not sure if I was truly interested or just wanted to flirt. I will say I'm very interested in being her friend and want to know more about her...

Besides that I noticed I was very OCD at the concert about how things looked or where. I have usually pretty good control over my OCD, however there was this guy there named ?Jason? who had been throwing pretzel sticks all over the ground. The "Security" KID came over and told him to clean it up. He didn't really want to and I couldn't just let the damn mess stay there because it was driving me insane. So I went and cleaned it up for him... and you know what he did ?? He gave me money it was awesome!

Inside of the "Church" it was very, very small.... People that dance there dance strange... it's like a mix between ICP people and the people who .. dance like they are fighting. Either way though I had a lot of fun. The only thing I didn't like was the fact I sweated my ass off. I always sweat no matter what I do.... Usually... Sometimes my body creates no sweat when it's hot and I just feel cold??? I don't know if that is normal but I'm happy when it happens.

Tommy hung around his G/F most of the time however he did a good job of keeping track of me and Nash... He wasn't being a total D-bag and ignoring us the whole time. I was happy he knew a happy medium between us and her. I didn't have any problems giving them space because I was hanging out with this girl for most of the night.

People there did make fun of my shortness (I'm short as hell btw) but I was used to it. This guy who is a Pedophile was totaly eyein me though.... I was all freakin out cause I know what he was thinking T_T.... It was creepy so I decided to not talk to him anymore.

Besides meeting new people I saw my friend from Prosser there. His name is Sean... I think he spells it that way. Anyway, He and I go to Prosser together and are in programming with each other. He was there with his cousin who seemed pretty cool. He tried to get a hold of Chris G but he was at a football game and couldn't come.

I'm still confussed about what I like and don't like in people... I myself don't know who I really am and until I do; I'm not sure I'll ever be able to tell what I do and don't like. I'm just glad I have awesome friends to spend time with in the end.

For now I'm out and off to take a shower so g'night~!